How You Can Help Your Children Form Their Own Identity

Children develop their identity by learning to know what they like about their environment, their way of dressing, their way of relating to others and the world. In order for children to develop an identity of their own, parents, the children’s earliest programmers, must sponsor this development of identity by being aware of your child’s actions and behaviors, and what those tell you about him/her.
For example if your child has a cluttered room, and has to save everything, you probably have a sentimental child that doesn’t like to part with things. If you cleaned your child’s room and threw away "the junk" that they had too much of, you might be ignoring who your child is as a person.
Children, not unlike adults, show their identity in many ways
They show it through their pictures in their room, through the friends they like to associate with, through their dress, food choices, activity choices etc. They are giving us the clues about who they are, as well as taking from us certain things they admire, and incorporating those into their identity. Many parents, due to a lack of awareness, forget to ask children important questions that can give clues to their child’s belief system, and value system, and really help them to sponsor a healthy sense of self in their child.
For example, Miriam didn’t like her daughter’s taste in clothing, because it was different than hers, and she wasn’t taught in her family to have her own identity. Every holiday she would buy her daughter what she liked, and the daughter wouldn’t wear it. Mom would be disappointed and her daughter felt guilty. Leigh, the child, read magazines that mom disapproved of. Mom would get angry that her daughter was reading the magazine. However Mom never thought to ask her daughter what she liked about the magazine. That would give a clue as to why she was reading it, Mom simply didn’t know to do this.
I asked my son the other day what he liked so much about sports, and got such clues to his personality. It was great. He liked the teamwork, the goal setting, the movement, the success. This not only tells you about sports, it tells you about the child. Emotional awareness is becoming aware of who your child is, and offering them support in growing that self into a very well formed identity that will offer them the ability to make positive choices and decisions in their lives.
To sponsor this healthy identity you need to:
Be aware of your child’s actions and behaviors and what that tells you about them.
Ask questions about why they chose a topic, or picked an outfit, or read a certain book or magazine. Ask objectively without judgment.
Give them choices about activities they would like to participate in.
Offer them food and clothes choices, within reason of course.
Compliment them on their personal style.
Listen to their ideas openly, and don’t force your ideas on them.
Offer them suggestions, without controlling their ideas and behaviors.
Make sure you know your identity, and have the confidence to let your child have theirs without criticism and judgment.
Create activities that help them identify who they are. Recently my daughters made collages. They cut out pictures of everything that symbolized them, and then reviewed each others. Then they personalized it even more and hung them over their bed.
Have them create a family party .or one with some friends. Ask them to plan it and design what they want. What kind of food, music atmosphere would they like?

The healthy identity of a child is their key to knowing and seeking what they want in life.

[written by one of my favorite authoress "Sally Sacks." She is the author of
the book: "How to raise the next President".You can reach her through
her website: www.sallysacks.com]

Teenagers & Sex - Should You Talk About It And How

Teenagers and sex is one issue all parents have to face sooner or later. But when is the right time to raise the subject of teenagers and sex and who should do it. If you’re beginning to have concerns about your teenager and sex, here are a few pointers.
Teenagers & Sex – is Your Teen Thinking About Sex
Many of us prefer to pretend our teens are not thinking about sex, but you were a teen once yourself, and at what age did you become interested in sex?
The same questions, fascinations, fantasies and myths that you experienced, you can be sure your teen is going through the same thing.
Whether your teen is sexually active or just thinking about it, sex should not be a taboo subject in your home but something your teen can come to you and talk about if he or she needs honest advice. What is the Right Age to Talk about Sex?
There is no right age to talk about sex.
The subject of sex should be something of an ongoing conversation and if you child is old enough to ask, then generally they are old enough to know.
This does not mean you have a sexually explicit conversation with your three year old about where babies come from, it means you answer the question on his or her level of understanding knowing that as time progresses you can expand on the details as is appropriate.
When it comes to teenagers and sex there is the question of how much do they know and how much do they need to know versus what you want them to know.
In reality, there are just too many places for your teen to get information about sex including the misguided and often incorrect revelations they will pick up from their friends.
So ask yourself the question.
Would you rather your teen thinking they are unable to become pregnant on their first sexual experience, or would you prefer to make talking about teenagers and sex something that is natural for both you and your teen?
Teenagers & Sex – Things to Discuss with your Teen
The subject of teenagers and sex can be equally embarrassing for teen and parent, but it doesn’t have to be so.
The main thing is to not make a big issue of it and make it a topic that your teen feels comfortable discussing with you.
Teenagers and Sex – Things You Should Talk to Your Teen About
• Everybody’s Having Sex Except Me.
Teenage boys and girls often feel under pressure to become sexually active because they believe their friends are.
Talk to your teenager about the intimacy of a sexual relationship and the importance of sharing it with someone special, especially the first time.
• Alcohol and Drugs
Warn your teens about the dangers of alcohol and drugs. Make them aware that if they are under the influence of either it will affect their ability to think clearly making it easier for people to force them into comprising situations.
• Unprotected Sex
Make sure your teen is clear that the only guaranteed way to prevent pregnancy or getting a sexually transmitted disease is abstinence.
Impress upon your teen the importance of practicing safe sex and the need to always make use of a condom.
Your teen needs to know that having unprotected sex just once can lead to pregnancy, genital herpes, genital warts, HIV and AIDS none of which can be cured.
• What Constitutes ‘Real Sex’
Ensure that your teen knows that oral sex and anal sex is real sex and subject to the same risks as penetrative sex.
Teenagers & Sex – Talking About it and How
Teenagers and sex is not a subject you should seek to avoid but one you should discuss with your teenager and be relieved that they feel able to come to you and talk about it.
Do all you can to continually improve your teens confidence and raise their self esteem as this will be the best defense in their ability to not give in to peer pressure.
Equip your teenager with the correct information. This will empower them making it impossible for others to try an undermine them.
Your teen will have their own opinions on teenagers and sex and with the right guidance from you no one will be able to force them to become sexually active before they are ready to do so.

UNDERSTANDING TEENAGERS NEEDS

Teenage and the ensuring transition into adulthood is perhaps the most important time for we parents to extend our guidiance,support,and understandig to our children.As children grow older,their perceptions get more concretized and they handle issues and choices that which influences their futurewith strong grips.Fighting out almost everything with their parents.It becomes very difficult for our children,at this time to understand our roles as parents.
WHAT TEENAGERS(13 AND ABOVE)NEED FROM ADULTS
1-Teenagers really need our support and unconditional love.They also need to be challenged. Such opportunity help them to grow and channeled thir abundance enegy in the right direction.
2-Parents need to guide their teenage children in decision-making.Even though teenagers yearn for independence and even sometimes act as if they know it all,they are not fully mature.Rather than tell them what to do,help them to clarify their thoughts and feelings so they can make informed decisions.
3-Let the parent-child bond develop into a sacred frienship that will make them always enjoy comoing to you as a true friend instead of going out there to be mis-informed.
4-Give room for the wealth of experiences from the members of the extended family,and the spiritual community to help guide the teenagers.
5-Create a free climate,where teenagers feel free to share their thoughts,feelings and and actions to adults guides.This help to protect our children from developing a 'secret life',which can make us to lose them!
EXPECTATIONS:
1-Encourage teens to freely express their devotion to the divine.
2-Freedom should be directly linked to the demestration of self-discipline and responsi- bility.
3-Teenagers need to be taught sex-education.They need a sufficient understanding and cultural support inthis area.Help them make responsible choices as they mature.
4-Show teenagers respect and,in turn,encourage them to value the practical wisdom of adults.

How Children Learn

Nurture and Teach
The single most important thing caregivers can do for a child is provide a nurturing environment. By doing this, we influence children’s brain development and their ability to learn. Introducing nurtured children to learning opportunities every day will help them become happy, well-adjusted adults. In all stages of child development, each experience builds on the one before it. The most basic foundations can serve as the basis for the comprehension of more complex ideas in future years.
Learning Begins at Birth
We are born with billions of brain cells – in fact, all we will ever have. What is missing is a large amount of connections – synapses – between those brain cells. Synapses start developing based on a child’s experiences. Children’s brains develop faster from birth to age three than any other time; and more learning takes place during this time than any other. The more learning opportunities parents provide for their children from birth until school age, the more synapses are made. The connections will serve as a pool of knowledge for a child to access in later years.
Because children’s earliest experiences affect how they will think, learn and behave, helping children learn from birth to school age is a crucial activity. Parents and other caregivers can create a strong foundation for learning by providing a nurturing and rich learning environment from the very beginning.
Children Seek Learning Experiences
Not only do children need to be physically active, it is their nature to look for opportunities to learn. They participate in learning by using their senses and asking countless questions in order to more fully understand the task at hand.
Creating a Learning Environment
Children enjoy learning when they can master an activity. Begin with a simple task and expand or complicate it after your child has enjoyed some successes.
Create a safe and secure learning environment. This will help children do their best learning rather than distract them. Key to creating this environment is treating your child with respect and caring.
Where Do Children Learn?
Children learn everywhere from school to the doctor’s office to the grocery store. As do adults, children learn from interacting with others and watching their parents’ behavior. Kids are highly influenced by the people in their lives, especially adults who they are close to.
Not All Children Learn in the Same Way
In the book Frame of Mind, Howard Gardner described his theory of multiple intelligences. We all have a certain way we prefer to learn. The seven multiple intelligences Gardner points to are interpersonal, intrapersonal, bodily-kinesthetic, spatial, musical, logical-mathematical and linguistic. We have the most success teaching our children when we can recognize their style of learning (as well as our style of teaching) and incorporate activities accordingly.
Playing and Learning
The main way children collect and process information is through play. Play is the repetition that reinforces old skills and encourages new ones. Because play is enjoyable, children’s minds are open. Children are capable of much learning through play because they are very receptive and relaxed. Take advantage of this benefit and select activities that are fun and educational. Your children will learn, and you will both enjoy the experience.

Children And TV

I must say all children grew up watching TV, myself included. It's a utility which everyone cannot live without. It has been for generations and yet TV easily emerges as a indispensable form of entertainment. Of cause, the Internet is fast catching up. Let us look at the positive effects and the negative effects of TV and how it can benefit or affect our children.
Benefits:

• The children can be exposed to positive content and be enriched with programs such as documentaries, educational variety shows and cartoons. Hey, I grew up watching Sesame Street, Discovery Channel and Transformers!

• Spending quality time together. Well, I remembered the days when my parents would watch the telly with me, and we will have endless laughter together. And I being the curious child, never fail to ask endless streams of questions. The bonding with the child will no doubt be better.
Drawbacks:
• Couch potato syndrome. Addiction to TV may cause the child to be withdrawn from the rest of the world, excessive eating while viewing programs can cause obesity problems.

• Emotional development. A child really needs to do more things than just watching TV. He needs constant interaction with the outside world and other kids. It is part and parcel of his development and bear that in mind, there is no substitute to that.

• Eyesight problems. Increasingly, many children these days are getting myopic. It's hard to deny that TV isn't one of the contributing factors.

• Violence. As we all know, children love to imitate. The imitations can range from wanting to fly like superman, acting like John Rambo and giving an uppercut like a Thai kick boxer. I was in that stage once, so I know. It's a fact and we have many case studies of violence by teens in recent years.

• Proper use of language. There was one point of time, the local sitcom Phua Chu Kang got so popular that children start using phrases like "Don't pray pray", and "I look you no up". It got into such frenzy that we had a Speak Good English Campaign, remember?

Of cause, it is about weighing the pros and cons. Some suggested methods include: 1. Limiting the viewing hours for your child. I was limited to 30mins a day during my time, but that was ages ago. I believe parents can do their estimation with their kids. 2. Allow selective viewing of TV programs. Family orientated sitcoms, cartoons and educational programs definitely. More exertion of control regarding programs rating PG. 3. Ban eating while watching TV. I was inculcated with this habit. My mum always say eat only when you are at the dining table, not in front of the TV. I thought that was pretty useful. 4. View TV shows with your kids. In addition, try not to let them have the luxury of a TV in their bedroom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D64CRnVNkZ0
Justine Lee contributes to articles as part of the committee of a parenting website founded in Singapore. She writes for http://www.mylittlesunshine.sg/ on a regular basis and likes to share her parenting experiences with other online readers. She is happily married to her husband Jason and have a boy who is eight years old.

HELPING A CHILD TO STOP LYING

Children under the age of 6 often tell lies.They find it difficult to distinguish between reality and fantasy.Lying to them at this age may be seen as fun,or a way to deceive adults.When they get away without being caught,they feel very happy,and it may easily become apart of them to lie.
As they grow,this may become a problem in the child's life.
Parents needs to find out a way of putting a stop to this.

Why do Children lie?

• TO SEEK ATTENTION
• NEED HELP
• AVOIDING STRESSFUL SITUATION
• FEAR OF DISAPPOINTING THEIR PARENTS
• IMITATING ADULTS AROUND THEM

HELP FOR A LYING CHILD

When a child is always caught lying:He is fond of exaggerating,or he is always fond of distorting the truth in one way or the other.just as highlighted above,they do that for so many reasons.

.TO GAIN ATTENTION:Children sometimes lie to gain attention.When they feel unloved they tend to tell lies to gain the attention of their listeners.They have learnt over the time that when they distort the truth they get some attention;this sometimes compensate for their feelings of inadequacies.

AVOIDING STRESSFUL SITUATION:Sometimes children lie to avoid the consequences that they believe will happen when they do something wrong,or to avoid being reprimanded.They lie to get out of trouble.

TO DODGE RESPONSIBILITY:Some children lie to avoid tasks.They may lie about their homework.They tell parents it's done in order to,may be watch television,play games,or do any other pleasurable thing to them.They don't like being caught when they misbehave,so they lie as a way of escape.

Lying can make children do many other bad things,like stealing,diobedient.e.t.c.

Parents and caregivers need to carefully study their children,and find out why they lie.When this is done,the close thing is to help them get out of it.

WAY OUT!

• Don't accept excuse for lying.let them know point blank that LYING is not acceptable.
• Logical consequences need to be in place for a child caught lying.
• Be a good example and model to them,avoid little white lies.
• Teach children to value telling the truth at all time,no matter what the consequence may be.
• Show your disappointment when they lie.Also show them you love them,but you hate their habit of lying.
• Sing their praise whenever they say the truth!
• Let them know you CARE.

Parents need to be a bit patient with them at this point,knowing fully well that 'Rome was not built in a day!'.It may take a little time for them to unlearn the lying habit.Be understanding,and ready to go miles helping them.

You should avoid taking irrational decision when they lie.No need for a long sermon,but with love,patience,and understanding Correct them!

PEER PRESSURE

HELPING TEENAGERS TO HANDLE PEER PRESSURE

Peer pressure is not a strange thing.We all are influenced by our peers,both positively and negatively.
It helps to define who we are,and how we feel about life matters.It is how we choose to react to peer pressure that defines who we are as an individual.
Peer pressure is also a normal aspect of our teens life,as well as parents life.what we parents need to do is to take up the challenge,to stand against the negative peer pressure that can mar our children,and encourage the positive ones that can make them!

Why do teens give in to peer pressure?
There is no difference between teens and adults.They are influenced by their peer group just like adults.It is a normal thing,and they get this from adults around them almost everyday.
Everyone conforms to social standards set by peer groups,and our teens see this in us.
Therefore teenagers will tend to follow their peers behaviour that are considered not appropriate.
Another reason is that, in other for them not to lose their" so called"friends,they prefer to follow them to any length, rather than following their parents' advice.
They also believe in the 'everyone is doing it' idea.This can make them comply to pressure.
Curiosity also make teens to take risks without thinking of the eventual outcome of such,which may cause a future damage to their lives.
All these together make teens easily give in to peer pressure.
What parents should know
Peer pressure is a powerful force and not just a phrase.It can lead teens into changing the color of their hair,piercing their body,smoking,drinking,taking hard drugs,getting involved in illicit sex,and just to mention a few.Many adults do not realize the effect of peer pressure!
Parents make the mistake of believing our children do not value their opinion,but research shows that parents have a tremendous influence on their children,especially teens.This misconception make parents to relax and not taking effort to counter the negative effect of peer pressure in their children.
"What parents can do to help their teens"

1-Parents need to teach teens how to refuse offers for cigarettes,alcohol,illicit sex,and drugs.Let them know that what they say to offers goes a long way.They should be able to say words like 'no thank you',i think i have to go now'.....

2-Parents needs to talk to their children on how to avoid other children who break rules at home,and situations they know is undesirable.They should be mindful of the environment they stay in,and friends that they keep.Let them know that if they don't stay around those who have negative attitude,it is far less likely for them to behave such.And if they don't choose friends that smoke,steal,do drugs,drink,they are far less likely to do these things as well.

3-Parents should teach their children how to confide in them,and they should create such rooms for their children to be able to talk- things- out with them.They should be made to realize that it is right to seek the advice of their parents,or any trusted adults when they find it difficult to avoid difficult situations such as offers to smoke,drink or use drugs.

4-Parents need to NURTURE strong self-esteem in their children.This will help them in making decision,even if their peers feel otherwise.Self esteem helps them to follow their decisions.Parent should teach their children how to perceive themselves in positive ways,and avoid ridiculing their children when they make mistakes.

REMEMBER!

Your children will NEVER forget the values you give to them!They may not always use them,especially because of peer pressure sometimes,but these values stick with them through their adolescence age and into their young adulthood.

So do not be tired of playing your part in helping our teens in following the right parts in life.Peer pressure is an issue every parent needs to handle with all seriousness.